“I’ll start dating when I’m the perfect weight or shape, or when I’ve landed my ideal job, or when I’m perfectly healed emotionally.” If this sounds familiar and you’re delaying dating until you’re in a ‘perfect’ space, it might be time to let go of the fantasy of perfection and embrace progress instead. If you need some encouragement to get started, here’s a checklist that will give you the confidence and the motivation to let go of the ideal and embrace imperfect dating.
I remember when I thought I had to be totally sorted psychologically before I could date. I’d already been investing in my personal development for years, but I had so much more inner work to do. In my mind, I wasn’t ready to seek a relationship.
I understand now that my fear of love and intimacy led me to put my life on hold in this way. Waiting to be perfectly healed meant I could kick this fear into the long grass and never have to face it.
Finally, I understood that the key was progress, not perfection.
I also understood that hurt happens in relationship and healing happens in relationship too and that the process of dating and exploring relationships would bring priceless learning and growth opportunities that I couldn’t get from reading books, attending courses or sitting in therapy sessions.
I had to be in it to win it. I had to get into the muddle of life and of love, be open to making mistakes and to learning by doing.
If you recognise that you are putting your love life on hold while waiting for a fantasy future to arrive, here are three questions to ask yourself.
Are your healthy foundations for love in place?
There are some legitimate reasons to delay or pause dating and one is to do the groundwork we all need to do to protect our hearts, protect others, enjoy dating and date successfully.
I call this laying our healthy foundations for love.
These foundations include a healthy relationship with ourselves, based on self-care and self-love; a strong spiritual connection so that we feel loved, held and supported by God, no matter the outcome of our dating experiences; and a healthy dose of self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem, so that we attract emotionally available people and sidestep those who aren’t prepared to treat us right.
On top of this base layer, we add self-awareness. Do we understand our dating and relationship patterns and the roots of those patterns? Do we know our blind spots? And do we have people around us who can support us to see and transform our patterns?
The process of laying our foundations is a lifelong journey. We are always growing and developing. We’ll never reach perfection. But a solid foundation will help us to withstand knocks and storms. We’ll be able to date without getting too hurt or hurting others and, step by step, we’ll move towards a healthy, committed partnership.
Once these foundations are in place, however, we are ready to roll. If we’re delaying dating, looking for excuses or trying to attain perfection in other areas (appearance, career, timing and so forth), it’s worth asking if fear is blocking us.
Are you in a positive headspace?
“I was in the right headspace” is a phrase that unites the people I know who’ve met partners online and who’ve gone on to have healthy relationships. They now see the difference between dating with a negative mindset – when online dating feels like walking through treacle – and dating with hope, optimism and a spring in their step. The results are radically different.
If you are in a negative headspace, this is a good reason to pause the dating process and take a break. Have some fun in the real world, meet your friends, try a new hobby, invest in activities that make your eyes shine and your heart sing. You can come back to online dating when you’re feeling more upbeat. You may also want to gather more support around you so that you don’t feel so alone when dating.
Are you ready to accept your imperfections and embrace someone else’s?
Whether it’s our weight, size, shape, personality, bank balance or something else, we are all perfectly imperfect beings. If we expect ourselves to be free of all flaws, we’ll expect the same of our partners.
We’ll notice if they’re carrying a few extra pounds, if their teeth are crooked, their career is plateauing or their fitness is flagging and we’ll judge them, and maybe dismiss them, for these imperfections. I did this with my now-husband, forgetting that I was an imperfect human being too. I was looking for someone to love and accept me while failing to love and accept another person. That was never going to work.
Judgement, criticism and fault-finding create distance between us and the other person – and it’s very difficult for an authentic connection to form over this gap. For me, judging the other was a way of avoiding intimacy.
I first had to learn to love and accept myself, all parts of me, so that I could see beneath the surface of my partner and love and accept all of him.
If you answer ‘Yes’ to these three questions, you are ready to date, as messily as the rest of us. If you still need to grow your self-esteem, get yourself into a better headspace or accept yourself on a deeper level, the best time to start is now.
Either way, enjoy the journey and remember it’s about progress, not perfection.
What have you found helpful when contemplating imperfect dating?
Enjoyed reading ‘Embrace imperfect dating! How to date as a work in progress’? Read more by Katherine Baldwin here
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